(2.9 minute read)
I told my boyfriend that I don’t like regimen; I like a little bit of mystery, mind-reading, and unpredictability. I don’t like saying everything I’m thinking about him; let him look into my eyes and guess. I don’t like scheduling Skype dates; let me wonder if he’ll call. I don’t like sending the “Good morning, handsome,” text every single day; I will occasionally, so it will still send him a little thrill when I do. I don’t like knowing that every evening when I walk back from class, he’ll be there to walk with me; I like to miss him.
But then, he said that assumptions can hurt. He said he doesn’t like mind-reading, because then you’re assuming that you’ve figured out the other person when a lot of times, you haven’t. He doesn’t like mystery and unpredictability because he doesn’t want me to wonder whether he cares. He likes words and certainty. I know that he’ll tell me good morning every day. I know for certain that he misses me. I know that he’ll call me every night. I know that he’s not going to randomly walk away. I know how much he thinks about me. I know how much he values our relationship. He said he doesn’t play those games, so I don’t have to feel how he does.
That cut. I realized that in the past, with other guys, all those little guessing games were what drove me crazy; they kept me hooked, but definitely crazy. They kept me hanging on the edge of my seat, constantly wondering, “Does this person actually care about me?” motivating me to constantly try and prove myself to someone who didn’t value my effort. It’s sad that that’s what is alluring — someone intentionally making you doubt your self-worth and your position in a relationship.
…what is it that is so repelling about consistency and reliability? For years that’s all I wanted, from the bottom of my heart, but for years that was the last thing I could hope to get. 21st century dating habits condition you to think that you don’t deserve consistency, reliability, or the real love that both of those things signify.
I have those things now… but until now I completely took them for granted, which was an awful mistake.